You Can Lead a Horse To Water…
O Horse, I have lead thee to this creek not to make you drink, but to confess my love for you.
You have gasped a horsey gasp. I know this must be a lot to take in. Horses are very perceptive, I have read this in my Horse Book. You’ve a choice to make. You can either accept my love or, if you even need a second and worse choice, you can reject my love. Before you stomp thine hooves (one stomp for “I love you,” two for “let me horse it over” or thrice for “we shall remain just friends from work”), allow me to convince you using a lot of words.
Firstly, I would like to make the mood more romantic by describing things: O how the moonlight shines across your horsey haunches, my love. You are like a centaur if God got both halves right. You are a unicorn without the mistake. You are Pegasus, stripped of your wings for making the sky jealous.
Are you further enticed? Allow me to make this prose less unlawful by iterating that I, too, am a horse. Now I will re-iterate it: I am a horse. I was a man. Now I am a horse.
Horsey, my love… I shall list for you my favourite types of hooves:
- Yours
- Cloven
- Regular
Horse, please giddyup and gallup away with me. We will leave our jobs behind. Gone shall be the long days of toiling at the glue factory, where it is our job to make sure there are no horse parts in the glue. What even is jobs, anyway? A trivial construct of man, I suppose. Do plants have jobs? Neigh. They are free and delicious. Man invented money and then allowed it rule him. I do not miss this about being a man. I miss other things. I miss using a computer. But a wish is a wish and I am a horse now. I love you.
A wise man, I think it was either Confuscius or my father, once said “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” I may not be able to make you drink, Horse my love, but perhaps I can make you… think? We can build a wonderful life together. Let me be your stallion. I will build for us a horse house from rocks and windows. I will farm carrots. I will snort and kick. Behold.
I made a wish upon a star to be a horse and it came true. I have accepted all the responsibilities that come with being a horse and with being in love . Let me make an honest horse out of you, Horse.
I made the wish right before election day and that was probably a mistake. They could have used my vote, I think. Now, if I want to read the newspaper, I have to burst through the window of a stranger’s kitchen and steal one out of a person’s hands. This is why I miss computers. I also miss having pockets. I hate having to carry my wallet in my mouth all the time.
My darling, you have defecated. Do not be nervous. This is, like, not even the biggest deal. We are best friends, yes? Yes. I know you are the first horse that I met after becoming a horse myself. Some may call this neigheveté (that is naiveté in Horse) but I call it luck. When I became a horse I knew I could no longer work at the Tender Greens, so I sought employment at the glue factory. Baby, when I saw you on the assembly line on my first day as a Glue Inspector/horse, I forgot all about my human wife and my human children and my dog dog. They are in the past and probably very confused. I only love you now. Teach me to be the best horse I can be, Horse.
You are so beautiful, my horsey love. Have you had time to process all that I have laid out before ye? Let me give you some bullet points. LET ME.
- I love you.
- I hope you love me.
- I was a human man who wished to be a horse because I wanted to run faster and it came true and I don’t really regret it but it’s not as cool as I thought it was going to be.
Okay, let me have it. Give me your answer, true. I can take it. Clip clop, chop chop. Lay it on me.
Horse?
You haven’t understood a word I’ve said have you?
