Who Am I, You Ask?

Daniel Spenser Levine
3 min readNov 1, 2017


Thanks to meet you. I am Richen Buttery. I work at the school in town, where I do all sorts of work. You could say that I am sort of a jack-of-all-janitors. When I am not fixing the toilets or re-breaking them in complex anger, I like to solve big math problems that the big math professors have left on the chalkboards. Math is easy. Not like people. Math is just two numbers, waiting to be solved. People are infinite. You will notice that I am dark and brooding and a genius. Or am I?

Perhaps I am Nathan Soft, a nice man. It is my job to name the babies at the hospital. I was born on a beautiful day in between two horrible days. My parents were were both priests who divorced God to marry each other. He understood. I have no chin but massive cheeks. People tell me this is endearing and ya know I tend to slowly nod in agreement, my cheeks flapping in the wind. I want a big family of kids and ten dogs of the same breed. Maybe a full-brood of Alaskan Sniffhounds. It is my dream to one day build a car for my sons. Or is it?

Consider that I might be Tucker Moonlight, the boy-wizard. I go to the world’s most famous wizard school. Also I am qui’ Bri’ish. You are correct in assuming that learning Potions and Political Magic is fun but what I really want to do is open a chain of non-magical BBQ restaurants. The other wizards and wozards (girl wizards) do not understand the joy I get from throwing a slab of cold beef on the grill, slathering it with Sauce™ and waiting for it to get warm and edible. The other students would rather learn how to turn trees into screaming monsters or win the war between good and evil. Not for me. I just want to blacken chicken thighs and celebrate the 4th. Or do I? Also I can talk to snakes. Well, at snakes. Ssssss?

It is me: me. Nat Swim is the name. I was born to ride a bicycle as fast as humanly or godly possible. If you can name a bridge I haven’t raced my bike across, I’ll pay you in American cash. Newsflash: it is impossible but please try. WRONG. Look, I’ll pedal to the chase: I’m the best there is. If you challenge me to a bicycle race, be sure that you will end up either in the foot-burn ward of a hospital or dead (one opponent of mine careened off a cliff during the Tour du Florida and fell into a dolphin’s mouth.) I am fast both on and off the court and I know it and I don’t care who knows it. But don’t I, really?

Honestly, truly, my name is Kyle and I am here for one reason: so you can tell me what you would like to eat. If you need another minute I can come back.

I’ll come back.