We Are All Going to Die

I have just heard the news that we are all going to die. A meteor, I think. Some kind of global catastrophe. Wherever that meteor is going, it must be pretty important if you have to annihilate Earth to get there. Scientists are always complaining about how meteors are headed straight for Earth, but they never stop to think that maybe Earth is in the way of whatever the meteors are trying to do. Maybe Earth is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Me and Earth are not so different. Both of us are 70% water. Both of us have flat parts and lumpy parts. Really makes you think.

I’m just sitting in my study/breakfast nook, taking in the news that we are all about to be destroyed. They say there are seven stages of grief but I’m pretty sure I can do it in five. I can’t believe I have to share death with every single one of you guys. I always thought I would die in cool and unique way, like if someone tried to kill me by throwing a rock at my head but in an ironic twist the rock turned out to be the fake plastic rock I hid my house keys in a few days earlier so I am unfazed, but then two years later I am hit by a truck that is hauling fake plastic rocks. Maybe the guy driving the truck is the same guy who tried to kill me by throwing the rock at my head or something. A real literary death, you know? Something that would make people say “damn, that guy was so literary.” Instead I have to go out the same way as literally everyone else. Absolutely lame as hell.

I could have done so much more with my life. I could have become a doctor and actually helped a person. I’ve always loved animals. Maybe I should have been a chef.

I could have made so much money selling bullshit to stupid people. I could have written a book about the peaceful dignity of “living slowly” in which I explain how you can simply sit in a rocking chair and drink water out of an old jar instead of living in a city where all the stuff is. Stupid people love shit like that. Why sit in a rocking chair when you can just buy a whole book about it?

I could have sold a jigsaw puzzle where each piece is from a different jigsaw puzzle. Or maybe a jigsaw puzzle that is of a picture of a pile of other jigsaw puzzles. I have so many jigsaw puzzle ideas. Life is a lot like a jigsaw puzzle. When it’s finally finished, you’re like “I actually really like jigsaw puzzles.”

Before we all become cosmic dust, here is a list of things I find to be horrendous and dumb:

  • The word “quite.”

And here is a list of things that I think rule:

  • Frogs.

I don’t know why I am writing this. No one is going to be around to read it after that meteor does its thing. Maybe, centuries from now, aliens will find this note on a hard drive floating in space and they will plug the hard drive into their futuristic USB devices and read it and think I was a king. I mean, um, I was a king. Yeah, yeah, that’s right. I was King of Earth. Also, I was King of the Jigsaw Puzzle Industry.

Ugh, who am I kidding, the aliens are never going to believe that. They have big, giant heads and are probably smarter than me. Look, aliens, if you are reading this, I wasn’t a king but I was well liked by the staff at the diner by my house. They even named a sandwich after me. It’s a whole unsliced hard-boiled egg between two pieces of bread. Not something I have ever ordered, but the diner staff told me it was “my vibe.” Aliens, you have got to try sandwiches. You would love them.

Anyway, the part of the meteor where a giant tidal wave is heading towards me is happening, so I should probably wrap this up by telling you my entire life story. I was born during the Super Bowl in 1976 and the players had to stop the game because it was so loud.

Wow, that’s a big wave. I

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