Things I Enjoy

  • Playing literally any piano.
  • Staring into middle-distance. If you are going to stare into a distance, make sure it is middle. I have tried staring into near-distance and long-distance and they are both extremely stressful.
  • Imagining that I am doing a slow somersault, but my feet never leave the ground so I just kind of roll into myself like I am my own sleeping bag.
  • Realizing that when I was born I was much smaller and, if these trends continue, I will eventually be the biggest thing in the universe.
  • Talking to my beautiful buddies.
  • Thinking about how there should be more jobs that end with “-naut.”
  • Beholding any piece of art that showcases a river or even alludes to one.
  • Waiting by a mirror at the furniture store and, when someone looks at the mirror, saying “you should buy this mirror, it has a great person in it.”
  • Smiling at a dog and then slowly looking up at the dog’s owner as my smile becomes a look of utter indifference.
  • Imagining that the time between inventing gummy technology and deciding to use it to make worms was less than one minute.
  • Acknowledging that one day everyone I know will die but it definitely won’t be my fault because it is impossible to get all of them to commit to hanging out.
  • Making up a name and then adding “@gmail.com” to it and then sending that person an email saying “I hope this email finds you real.”
  • Imagining the spiciest pepper in the world and deciding to never, ever mess with it.
  • Thinking about how my parents met.
  • Watching the bicycles as they careen towards me. Careen is a nice word. More people should be named Careen.
  • Accepting that I will always pronounce it “Sadnay Night Live.”
  • Partaking in anything breakfast or dog-related (never at the same time.)
  • Counting the different types of streets there can be: lanes, roads, avenues, drives, dirt, etc.
  • Looking at my hands until I am sure I can see them making their own decisions.
  • Doing flowers.
  • Remembering that one high school teacher who really made a difference in my life and wondering if they think about me more than the once every six years I think about them.
  • Learning that there are literally hundreds of books just about cooking: how to do it, why we do it, what the stuff we cook is made out of, etc.
  • How nicely “me and you” rhymes with “pee and poo.”
  • Pronouncing “bath” like how a British person would say it and then taking one.
  • Naming the crows that land on my front lawn until I run out of names and switch to numbers and sounds.
  • Fucking, NOT GOLF.
  • Playing a recording of the sound a basketball makes when it does a “swish” and pantomiming along to it.
  • Yelling at my old answering machine for not giving me any answers, literally the ​one thing it was designed to do.
  • Just gigglin’.
  • Hockey. What even is it? I am never going to look it up, but imagining what it could be based on things I have heard through the zeitgeist is fun.
  • Naming constellations and then looking up their actual names and seeing if I got the same thing and, if I did, giving myself a dollar.
  • Planting a tree in my friend Jeremy’s name.

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