The verdict is in and the rumors are true: I have two dogs, one big and one small. Hogzilla (big) is a Great American Fiendish Longhound. Peaky Blinders (small) is a Miniature Long-Haired Pomster/Choo Choo mix. When confronted with any two things, the human brain attempts to compare them. I…

Things: they are what we do most of the time. Sometimes, things are not going so great. Other times, things are going as smooth as Spider’s Silk™. Occasionally I will find myself entombed by an extremely attractive brand of self-loathing. To combat this, I have been making a list of…

I don’t know when I became “that guy.” You know, the guy who says “hello” to birds. Hello, Starling. How’s it going, Sparrow? Blessed morning, Cardinal. Why am I so desperate for a bird’s — ANY bird’s — approval? Speculate with me, won’t you? Thanks! As a resident of The…

Against my doctor’s orders, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A big part of thinking is noticing, and it is easy to notice things when you open up your life to the possibility. Sometimes the world is a’whispering and other times it is screaming like a chicken…

My boy. My shiny metal boy. When I built you in my garage six weeks ago, with your permanent aluminum green tunic and your permanent aluminum feather in your permanent aluminum cap, I had a specific purpose for you in mind: you would patrol the streets of Seaford, Long Island…

“Now here is the only man I know who looks dumber with glasses on…” “Ladies and gentlemen… Bongo Boy!” “And now a man who told me to tell all of you that he is the tallest person at this wedding…” “This is… David?” “Someone who probably knows the type of…

Thanks to meet you. I am Richen Buttery. I work at the school in town, where I do all sorts of work. You could say that I am sort of a jack-of-all-janitors. When I am not fixing the toilets or re-breaking them in complex anger, I like to solve big…

Hello, ma’am. Please, do not be afraid. It is only me: the Spider Man. No no, not a spider man. THE Spider Man. You seem frazzled so allow me to spidermansplain what is occurring: you are no longer in danger. The reason for this is me. It is confusing, yes…

O Horse, I have lead thee to this creek not to make you drink, but to confess my love for you. You have gasped a horsey gasp. I know this must be a lot to take in. Horses are very perceptive, I have read this in my Horse Book. You’ve…