I don’t know when I became “that guy.” You know, the guy who says “hello” to birds. Hello, Starling. How’s it going, Sparrow? Blessed morning, Cardinal. Why am I so desperate for a bird’s attention and approval? Speculate with me, won’t you? Thanks! As a resident of The City, perhaps…

Against my doctor’s orders, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A big part of thinking is noticing, and it is easy to notice things when you open up your life to the possibility. Sometimes the world is a’whispering and other times it is screaming like a chicken…

My boy. My shiny metal boy. When I built you in my garage six weeks ago, with your permanent aluminum green tunic and your permanent aluminum feather in your permanent aluminum cap, I had a specific purpose for you in mind: you would patrol the streets of Seaford, Long Island…

“Now here is the only man I know who looks dumber with glasses on…” “Ladies and gentlemen… Bongo Boy!” “And now a man who told me to tell all of you that he is the tallest person at this wedding…” “This is… David?” “Someone who probably knows the type of…

Thanks to meet you. I am Richen Buttery. I work at the school in town, where I do all sorts of work. You could say that I am sort of a jack-of-all-janitors. When I am not fixing the toilets or re-breaking them in complex anger, I like to solve big…

Hello, ma’am. Please, do not be afraid. It is only me, the Spider Man. Allow me to explain what has occurred: I can see that you know you are not in danger. The reason for this is me. It can be confusing, yes. One minute you are standing in this…

O Horse, I have lead thee to this creek not to make you drink, but to confess my love for you. You have gasped a horsey gasp. I know this must be a lot to take in. Horses are very perceptive, I have read this in my Horse Book. You’ve…

Salutations, new friends. What a warm night. My name is Garbage and I can tell from your wide eyes that I am the biggest rat you have seen in your whole life. While you wait for Train, please spare a moment to hear my desperate squeaks. …

Funny Things To Write On Your Gravestone When I walk home from my job at NASA (I wash the science mice), I take a shortcut through a graveyard. This shaves three whole hours off my commute and allows me to save valuable protein for when I need it most: when…